From Hushbind The Golden Poet: A few mornings ago, while drinking my orange juice, I noticed a somewhat portly trucker-looking fellow standing at my kitchen window, staring at me, and eating a Twinkie. Weird, yes. But, it gets even weirder. Yesterday, when I got home from work, there he was, the same guy, in the window, eating a Twinkie. Only now, there was a few more people with them, including a guy I recognized as my manager's brother-in-law, also eating Twinkie, staring into my kitchen with intense fascination. I went outside and confronted the group, and was promptly given the middle finger by every person in attendance. One of them even pulled out his dong and jerked it once. Obviously, I intend on calling the authorities, but before I go into that, I thought this might be right up your alley. So, how 'bout it?

Assclowns Answer: Well, shit, bitch. I would have said to call the cops and shit, but apparently it is "obviously" what you were going to do already. Fuck you, bitch. If you already knew what you were going to do, why even ask me?

But, considering the fact that you did ask me, I say run out there and make an example of the first freaky fucker by pulling the Twinkie out of his hand/mouth region and shove it up that "portly" bastard's ass. I mean, what kind of weird bastardized son of dirty street whore stares in some nasty bitches window, eating a Twinkie and jerking his dick any how? What is this world coming to?

From RedSchlong: I started fucking about 3 or 4 of my female employees every day during lunch hour, but some of the other people in the cafeteria say it grosses them out. Should I beat the hell out of the complainers, or should I stop fucking the girls up the ass and do them missionary. I'd hate to offend the sensibilities of people eating their lunches.

Assclowns Answer: Holy shit, man! Are you fucking all the chicks at the same time? If so, why aren't you on TV, you magnificent bastard? Anyway, who gives a shit about those stupid cock-misters eating lunch? They're just jealous of the fact the three or four chicks want to bang you within one hour... now that I think about it, that doesn't sound as impressive as it did earlier. That's about an average of fifteen minutes a chick and that's sad... yea, stop fucking these girls at lunch, it's not worth their time.

From Your Daddy: Why are their assclowns?? Are you an assclown?? How can you tell if someone is an assclown??

Assclowns Answer: There are assclowns because there are people like you in the world that don't read the archives and then they breed.

From Sharon: I am going to a party this Saturday, but me and 2 of my friends are the only ones who are gonna be white. I love my friend, but I am scared I am gonna look like an idiot.

Assclowns Answer: What makes you an idiot wouldn't be the fact that you were the only white person, what makes you an idiot is the fact that you were worried about it, you racist bitch.

From TaTa: j0. homie. what. up?.

Assclowns Answer: My penis is up... UP YOUR ASS!

From Harry Larry: Hey There!!! My name is Harry Larry, i have a problem. Well, one day i was sitting in the park feeing the birdys, and i had to poop really bad. I looked around for a tolit, and there was not a tolit. So i saw a bag, sitting by a trashcan, so i bent over and pooped in it. Then i was walking away when this old hobo lady came, and ate my poop thinking it was a chocatle treat! Then she died a couple days later of AIDS. SHould i get tested?

Assclowns Answer: Frankly, I don't know what the hell you are on about. So let me get this straight, you were "feeing the birdys" and you couldn't find a "tolit?" Look my little mentally challenged friend (and by friend I mean "fuck nugget that needs to be run over by a truck") AIDS takes years to really kick in so if she died of AIDS, she had it before she ate your feces and, therefore, you are at no risk... of having AIDS anyway.

From Harry Larry: Its me again, i have another problem. I told Pooty Louis that i liked him. He said "wanna go out harry larry", and i was like "yah" and i went out wit him. And i forgot about my other boyfriend that he is a glass of milk. i feel like a PLAYER!!!!!!! What should i do?

Assclowns Answer: Get hit by a bus.

From Harry Larry: Hey, should i wear a red shirt or pink shirt?

Assclowns Answer: Why are you still here?

From harry larry: where am i again?

Assclowns Answer: Oh, now you're not even capitalizing.

From Not Harry Larry: Really, this isn't Harry Larry. I just put that because this harry larry guy seems like an idiot and I'm forced to look at his posts because apparently he was the last guy to post. But it's your job to insult people. Back to my question. Dear Assclowns, I have this friend and she talks forever on the phone, I can't get her to stop! This one time, she was talking for about 3 hours about stupid things that happen to her and I fell asleep with the phone on my ear. Every day she calls and every day she somehow has more things to say about her life. I really don't want to tell her to shut up, because she gets me really good presents for my birthday and shit. What am I supposed to do?

Assclowns Answer: To be perfectly honest with you, "Not Harry Larry," I'm out of witty and insulting shit to say. I'll tell you this, though, get the fuck off my lawn before I call the fucking cops... as for that bitch that won't shut the fuck up, set her on fire.

From Erieri: Dear Assclowns...aw poop. I forgot what I was gonna write. Oh well, write something witty and insulting about that.

Assclowns Answer: Go to hell.

Goddamn. At first I was all excited and what not about how many questions were here and now I just want to set something on fire.