From Naughty: My baby's got a secret. What could it be?

Assclowns Answer: I don't know, "Naughty." Maybe the secret is that he's naughty. He's been ass fucking your brother, Rupert, for a little while now, perhaps. I bet they've been going at it for at least a month behind your back, behind Rupert's back, anyway. Not to mention, Rupert is retarded, isn't he? So your "baby" has been cheating on you by anal raping your poor mentally challenged brother and the reason your dildo is missing, which you had no idea had anything to do with your "baby" and his retarded anal cavity fetish, is because he stole it from you and shoved it up your dead father's ass, right before they put the coffin in the ground last Tuesday. Ain't that a bitch, "Naughty?" Don't believe me? Dig it up, Sherlock.

From CXC: Hey first off good job taking over the site, it rox as much as ever. Ok, enough ass kissing, onto the question. My brother is a dick sometimes. He is always insulting my friends, and hanging up on me when I call home. What should I do to get even with the little shit?

Assclowns Answer: Aw, CXC, I know what you mean about your brother being a little shit. Well, first off, give him a dose of his own medicine. Everything he does to you, do back, three fold. Insult him, his friends and their mothers. Hang up on him when he calls home, call him back, apologize, tell him to hang on a second, fart into the phone and hang up on him again. Hide a lot of his shit in places he'd never find it. Bushes, gutters, the shower, etc. Take a dump on something and leave it in his room. Take a dump on his bed, floor and pillow. No amount of your shit on his stuff is too much shit. Just remember that.

From Ally: Yo, I have been lyin' to all mah homies and peeps by tellin' them that I got a black boo and I baby by him name Shayla. What mo' can I do to enhance my street cred, yo?

Assclowns Answer: What the fuck is wrong with you, boo? Either you are a stupid fucking wigger (And God knows that I hate no one more than I hate wiggers) or a retarded black girl (and God knows, I hate retards.) Have you gotten you hair in corn rows? How about your pubic hair? 'Cuz nothing gives you more "street cred" than what I like to call "ho's rows." If you think that talking like that makes you black, you must stereotype people even more than me, which is a lot. I bet you think that corn rows, baggy clothes, fried chicken and red Kool-Aid makes you black. Bitch, please. Try acting and talking the way you do in the ghetto and see how long you last without getting shot. I hope you die. No, I take that back... oh wait, no I don't.

From Mr. Jonson: What is an ass clown?

Assclowns Answer: This question has been answered before: A person or other living creature that makes chronically horrible life decisions and rather than take responsibility for and learn from said horrible life decisions, they act like total and complete ignoramuses, thus causing the rest of the world a great deal of mental and emotional, and sometimes physical, anguish. (In other words, stupid ass mother fuckers.) Read the archives, asshole.

From Amy: Don't you ever get tired of hurting peoples' feelings?

Assclowns Answer: Well, that's a stupid question. No, dipshit. Never have I ever said to myself, "Wow. I really am tired of hurting peoples' feelings. I wish I could be more caring and compassionate, like Mother Theresa." Dumbass. I'd much rather insult people than get engaged tom some Mexican I don't know that I met over the internet and asked me to marry him unbeknownst to me that it was only so he could get his green card. Go get hit by a bus.

Give me some better questions next time, or I might turn into a hippie permanently.