From Patty: Hello assclowns. I am so ----ing mad right now. I have been deeply hurt by some of my fellow peers at school. It's been bothering my entire week of summer break now. I feel as if no one loves me for who I am. I wish things were different. Do you think you can help me?

Assclowns Answer: Look, you ----ing, homo. If you don't learn to ----ing cuss, I'm going to beat the ----ing ---- out of you. If you're a dumb enough little bastard to let what other people say bother you that much, which I'm sure you are, you're ----ing loser anyway. I'm glad no one loves you. I'm sure your own ----ing parents don't even love you. Well, maybe your dad loves you, he loves you in the butt. I wish things were different, too, Patty. I wish you were never ----ing born. The only thing that can help you is getting hit by a ----ing bus.

From Slow Beach Beach: I like to make and-urkeys!

Assclowns Answer: I take it that you're retarded. Goddamn. Maybe, being a ----ing retard, you and that goddamned Patty bitch should hook up. You won't know any better and Patty will be loved, or what ever that little homo wants. You make all the "and-urkeys" you want and shove them up Patty's big, fat, gay ass. Enjoy yourself.

From Garrett: why am i so god damn sexy!

Assclowns Answer: I'm sure your not. You're probably some loser that works out all the time because he has a small penis.

From B.J.: If i was to run over my sister with a lawn mower would she live?

From busty: Please may I see Assclowns guide to cunnilingus? I don't know what the fuck I'm doin' dude. Sad, but, true.

Assclowns Answer: You�ve got to be kidding, right? Have you ever eaten anything in your life? Honestly? Aside from pussy? Look, you know the twirling action you do with your tongue when you eat spegetti? Try a little of that tongue action on your bitch. Other than that, just watch more porn. No harm ever came from watching more porn.

From Trebor: You're shite you are. Ooops, I've been naughty again haven't I? Please spank me nanny, I've been a bad bad, BAD wittle boy. S-P-A-N-K M-E! Spank me on my bare bottie. Spank me hard and spank me slow. I deserve it. I called you a naughty word. Make my bum red with your callused work-worn hand. Please. Then make me dress up as a girl with big blue knickers and a pinafore dress. That'll sort me out.

Assclowns Answer: No.

From Fanny Cradock: Arseclown, I just read a fanfiction in which Frodo gets arse raped by two orcs. What's the best way to remove my eyeballs so I might never read again?

Assclowns Answer: First off, its �ass,� you stupid cunt. Second, I have no fucking clue as to what the hell �orcs� are. Third, don�t take out your eyes. You�ll need them to see when shoving your head up your ass.

From Krystal: I like to shove toilet paper up my ass and shit it out... how do I make myself stop?

Assclowns Answer: Haven�t you ever heard of will power? Damn. If people could steady that shit, they wouldn�t waste money on nicotine patches or that kind of crap that doesn�t work. I mean, if you like shit in your Cornhole, that�s your prerogative. But hey, you asked how to stop. Easy. Stop shoving it up your poop shoot, dipshit. If you just can�t stop with the paper in the anal cavity thing, try a new kind of paper. Maybe if in stead of your Charmin Ultra you shoved a wad of sand paper in your ass, it would teach you a lesson. And if it didn�t you�d be trying something new and exciting. Dudes dig that in a chick, the whole stuff in the ass thing.

From Cheddar: Why do guys have to be assholes and think with their dicks and not their brains? also If you have sideburns would you learn to shave fast?

Assclowns Answer: Well, my lactose friend there is no scientific explanation as to why they think with their dicks. I think it has something to do with the cock locking the brain in a cage. The guy looks for an answer from his brain and when no response is received, he goes for the alternate thinker: the ramrod. This causes them to think mainly about getting laid and related items. As to your inquiry about sideburns, I have no idea what you mean. I don�t think you would learn to shave any faster than you would if you didn�t have sideburns. But whatever.

From Pengin:Hello assclowns. I heard that you're under new management. Anywayz, onto my question. If one was to be retarded and have messed up hands, could one still hold the ability to make a hand-turkey?

Assclowns Answer: Yes, Pengin. Assclowns is under new management. Onto the matter at hand. I think the answer would have to be, no. Not because of the fucked up hand, but because of the fucking deep Kentucky Fried Brain, probably caused by the mongoloid�s mom doing crack while that nasty, little poor excuse for a fetus was gestating. I guess, though, if you took your retarded little buddy�s hand and stappled it to a piece of paper and then tired to trace it, that might work. Plus, the mom will be glad to get something for Thanksgiving other than some macaroni pictures with drool all over them.

Well that�s all for today, kids.