This little piece of ass was written on Monday, Jul. 21, 2003 at around 9:58 a.m.

Grow some balls, people

From Rhonda: Dear Assclowns: One of my friends, who's usually a decent guy, has been acting like a complete fuck for months on end. Although he's had a lot of support from friends, he continues to bitch and moan about the fact that a girl left him to go to school on the other side of the country. All he talks about is about her and how she's probably having fun with other guys right now. How can I subtly hint for him to shut the fuck up before he makes me go crazy?

Assclowns say: You want subtle? What are you, some sort of pussy? This guy is a giant ass and he needs to know. But you could try just covering your ears and humming everytime he starts talking about her. Or just leave the room and act like you don't hear him. Or tell him that his ex is not only likely having fun with other guys, she's probably getting fucked by them right this minute.

In all seriousness, someone needs to tell this guy to get over it. Nobody likes a whiner. If you don't tell him, then get one of your friends with balls to do it.

This little piece of ass was written on Thursday, Jul. 17, 2003 at around 2:59 p.m.

West Nile does mostly kill kids and the elderly? Right? Good.

From Jessie: Hey assclowns. My neighbors are idiots. Their yard is a total mess and I don't like having to look at it every day. They've got old toys, a fire pit, grown up plants & bushes, and a nasty kiddie pool that's turned greeen and has misquitoes all over the place and they come into my yard. What should I do about it?

Assclowns say: I dunno, pray that one of those mosquitoes bites one of their bastard kids and gives them West Nile Virus? Then maybe that will learn em' to clean up their shithole yard.

This little piece of ass was written on Wednesday, Jul. 16, 2003 at around 4:18 p.m.

We're just gifted I guess....or evil.

From Danae: Dear Assclowns, my neighbors have these obnoxious children. Every time I want to sleep late, they insist on shrieking as if they were possessed. Is there a good way to kill them and make it look like their parents did it? PS You're too funny. How do you think this shit up?

Assclowns say: Of course there's a way but do you have the go-honies to do it? Ok then. First go buy a can of Coke at the store and a bottle of botchulism on the internet. Open the can of coke and pour half out. Fill it back up with the botchulism. Leave the can of "Coke" outside where the kids will see it. They will inevitably drink it because kids are stupid. Then those little bastards will never bother you again. The cops will think their parents poisoned them or some psycho did it, never looking at the quiet nice neighbor who wasn't even home. Make sure you have a good aliby for when they drink it. Oh yeah and don't leave prints asshole. What to do to not leave a trace from the internet about the botchulism you ordered? There always my fav, break into a person's house you don't like and place the order on thier computer and intercept their mail when it arrives. Simple yet effective. Any more brain busters?
This little piece of ass was written on Friday, Jul. 11, 2003 at around 2:25 p.m.

You people really are fucking stupid

From CheshireXCat: I am sorry I didn't give you enough info, I was drugged off of Benadrill because I was stung 6 fucking times in the leg. Anyways. My asshole neighbor put nails in my tires, of my not so old car. I wanna put nails in his tires but he has a camara. What should I do?

Assclowns say: Wow, you are a bright one. Ever thought of putting a hidden camera near your car to catch him? Then all you have to do is call the police.

Or you could just start taking shits on his car. Better yet, does he leave it unlocked? If so, then shit IN his car. That'll teach him. Oh and be sure to wear a mask so he doesn't recognize you on his camera.

This little piece of ass was written on Friday, Jul. 11, 2003 at around 2:19 p.m.

Ram-a-dang-a-ding-dong

From Mendie: Dear Assclowns: My boyfriend is a really good guy and I like him a lot, but he wants to have anal sex with me without lubrication. I know that it will hurt a lot, but I don't want him to break up with me just because I won't let him have un-lubed anal sex with me. What should I do? Thanks you guys.

Assclowns say: Well, since you obviously are an insecure little bitch that can't make decisions that could possible alter your internal organs for life by yourself, you've come to the right place. We suggest you let your boyfriend ram you hard and fast in your butthole. You might bleed for a while, but eventually your sphincter will loosen up and you'll be able to shit without pushing. Only down side is, your ass will then be so loose that your boyfriend will probably start fucking another bitch and leave you anyway. Ram it home, girl.

Back That Thang Up * Do Me In The Butt

Spankin' New+ Old Ass+ Assbook+ Assmap+Ass Layout+Ass Behind the Assclowns+Diarrhealand

Disclaimer: You ask, I answer. It's that simple. If I hurt your feelings, I really don't care. It won't do any good to sue me because I have no money anyway.