This little piece of ass was written on Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 at around 10:41 p.m.

Dumberer ain't cha?

From Anonymous: What the fuck is this?

Assclowns say: If we have to explain this to you then maybe you need to be riding the short bus.

This little piece of ass was written on Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 at around 10:40 p.m.

We like virgins.

From Webkilla: How do I get a life? I live at my parrents place, in the basement... I'm paler than a ghost and to shy to even dare think about talking to girls... that, and I'm 18, still a virgin (the only one in my class of 26) and THIS PLACE OWNZ! no seriously, this has to be one of the coolest places since Newgrounds, Stileproject or Classic-Trash!!!

Assclowns say: Well I can't do much about your living situation but if you want to get rid of the big V..come see me. Mmm all young and supple skin..mmmm.....

This little piece of ass was written on Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 at around 10:38 p.m.

Sheesh is there nothing sacred anymore?

From Date From Hell: My 63 year old mother plays with a doll. She's totally convinced that the doll is real, not some stupid lump of plastic no matter what we say. How do I make her put down that creepy Chuckiette thing and rejoin the family?

Assclowns say: Why take away her only enjoyment in life? So she talks to a doll? So what. My dad yells at his asshole when he can't poop, it's all good.

This little piece of ass was written on Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 at around 10:34 p.m.

It's like a Holiday game every year.."What's the family up to?

From Dirk Wanker: Any suggestions on how to handle the holidays with my drunken, phoney, dysfunctional family? Also, how do you respond to those silly, untruthful, total life-in-denial "family newsletters" that come in so many holiday cards these days? I would greatly appreciate any ideas, Thanks.

Assclowns say: I just sit back and laugh at how my family tries to church up their white trashness with crap like "Ed's taking an extended vaction to spend more time with the growing little ones." Which means that Uncle Ed once again showed up to work drunk and they fired his ass for being such a goddamn drunk and pissing away his only chance at a job that would hire him in the first place, the gas station. So just sit back and laugh while you decode what they are really trying to say.

This little piece of ass was written on Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 at around 10:31 p.m.

Nothing like a love sammich. Mmm.

From Anonymous: Ok, I've got an actual problem this time. I like 2 guys at once, and the thing is, they are friends, and I don't want them to hate each other because of me or anything like that. I Know how that much works at least- when a girl gets between 2 guys who are already friends. Anyway, on to the problem... I've messed around w/ each of them before and 1's a really good kisser and the other one know how to work his hands, if you know what I mean. Please give me some good advice if you can.

Assclowns say: You're being serious? You think by letting 2 friends run a train on you that you are going to come in between them? Don't you know ANYTHING about the male brain? That's what they dream about and hope and pray for one day but most will never live to have it happen. Go now, run that train!

This little piece of ass was written on Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 at around 10:30 p.m.

Go wide open asshole kid! We salute you!

From shocked: Hello Assclowns. There is this boy who rides my bus who can fit 8 dicks in his ass at once. No lie. I've heard them all shoving in there and then a bunch of clapping once his asshole is full of multi-colored penises. Anyway, I find i very disturbing that these kids do such things on the school bus and I would like to know how to get them to stop?

Assclowns say: What I want to know is where does this kid live and why isn't he on TV!

This little piece of ass was written on Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 at around 10:28 p.m.

God is dead and we wish you were too.

From Anonymous: First of all, I know this is a bunch of shit, so I will keep it simple. Just because that person didn't put ass, doesn't mean they are a "bible thumping retard." And so what if they were? It's their concern, not yours. So why don't you all just do us a favor and just jump off of a cliff, because you're so stupid, you are basically a waste of good space, dumbass.

Assclowns say: Yeah you're right. We were wrong. So we here at Assclwons appologize to all the dumbass fucking retarded bible thumping morons who were offended.

This little piece of ass was written on Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 at around 10:25 p.m.

Buttclowns was the all you had? You couldn't think of ANYTHING better? Nothing? Not a single thing better then buttclowns? Really? That's all you can think of?

From B.J.: Hello ButtClowns. I have a big problem. At the bus stop every morning, I get picked on by even the girls. I don't understand why. I get all my in'style clothes at K-Mart and I even buy my shoes at PayLess. And not to mention my name is B.J. It just shows how much of a sexual person I am. I'm only 12 and I already have gottan a bj from this little 8 yr old boy who lives near me. Please help me ButtClowns. I Don't know what to do.

Assclowns say: You know..they invented sterilizations for a reason..didn't your parents get that memo?

This little piece of ass was written on Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 at around 10:22 p.m.

Or you could just beat his ass.

From Alyssa: You are the coolest! Thats why I added you to my favorites to read list on my diary! Doesn't everyone love a kiss ass? Anyways on to my question. My brother is a horny little basterd. All he does all day is talk on the phone with his Girlfriend and have phone sex when they can't have real sex. I would really like some phone use but he never will get the hell off of it. What should I do?

Assclowns say: Why don't you tape the conversations and play them for your Grandma at a family dinner one night. Now that Grandma knows what he sounds like moaning I bet he'll think twice about doing it where it can be recorded.

This little piece of ass was written on Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003 at around 6:32 p.m.

Violence solves all of life's problems.

From T-Moe: Hey, what can I do to make people take me more seriously? Everyone is saying that they don't wanna hire me to set up porno blockers and remove the porno from their computer just because I once had an internet porn problem that created a tiny amount of havoc in my life. Doesn't everyone at least once or twice lose their house and job due to cruising online for porno daily? I try and try and try to do the right thing but I can't help it if everyone else pisses me off, and I can't be held responsible for other peoples inability to realize I've changed.

Assclowns say: Why don't you try going on a shooting spree to show them all the errors of their ways? I see you up in a high building with an A-K, just go with it.

This little piece of ass was written on Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 at around 12:11 p.m.

I'm shamelessly self promoting. Eat it.

From JJ: Hello...I just wanted to let you know that I just found the link to this site via my good buddy over at theshakedown, and I am so fucking glad I came over to check this site out. Some people really deserve to hear how fucking retarded they really are, and some people really need to hear how they can solve a problem, or get revenge on a particular assclown who has fucked them over. Great job! Oh, and I'll be linking you to my diary and listing you as a fav. Take care, and keep dishing out the shit to the deserving~ Jj

Assclowns say: Well thank you JJ, nice to know that some people appreciate my work. And now my dear, why aren't you linked and enjoying my own diary? Go there NOW damn you! Bob McGoogle

This little piece of ass was written on Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 at around 12:05 p.m.

Or there's my favorite GODDAMNIT. That one really pisses people off.

From Mrs. Wolfson: Hi, I am an Earth Science teacher at Laney High School and my toes are very nasty. I find that my students stare and make rude comments. My toes are stuck together and all crusty in between. What should I do A**clowns?

Assclowns say: You don't even deserve a response because you are so goddamn lame you couldn't put ASSCLOWNS you had to ** out the swear? YOU ARE GAY. What are you some bible thumping retard? Say it with me ASS. Say it..ASS. Now try Fuck..I know this one is a doozy but just try it FUUUCCCCKKK. You can do it. You can swear like a big girl! I believe in you!

This little piece of ass was written on Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 at around 12:04 p.m.

Sheesh I'm like crack for some people they can't get enough of me and my flava..

From Jessie: UPDATE!!!

Assclowns say: Damn B settle down, I updated.

This little piece of ass was written on Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 at around 11:46 a.m.

Where do you live I want to make sure people I can't stand run into you and your crotch.

From Worried: Assclowns, I think I may have gotten myself in a bad situation. I've been having unprotected sex with quite a few people lately and I think I might have an STD. How do I make sure that I don't have anything without going to my doctor who has known me since I was 5?

Assclowns say: Why don't you try sucking it up and just going before you kill someone with your nasty rotting crotch? Or just keep spreading the love. You could kill off anyone who annoys you just by fucking them! Think of the possiblities! You could start you own business I can see it now, "Wanna kill off anyone who annoys you? Just have me fuck them and give them one of my life threatening STD's!" The advertising practically writes itself.

This little piece of ass was written on Thursday, Oct. 23, 2003 at around 1:57 p.m.

Chicks..always have to make shit so compicated. Sheesh.

From Sally: I�m a transvestite. I�ve been dating this girl for about two months now, things are going well and getting serious. I�ve kept on putting off telling her but she ought to know. What�s the best way to break it to her?

Assclowns say: Ask her if you can borrow some lipstick to go out in. I think she'll get the hint you're a freak. Or you could start singing a Barbara Streisand song.

Back That Thang Up * Do Me In The Butt

Spankin' New+ Old Ass+ Assbook+ Assmap+Ass Layout+Ass Behind the Assclowns+Diarrhealand

Disclaimer: You ask, I answer. It's that simple. If I hurt your feelings, I really don't care. It won't do any good to sue me because I have no money anyway.