From sexymchotpants: Have you ever wanted someone so bad you farted? Then there was an awkward silence and they left?

Assclown Answer: Oh yea, man. I do that shit all the time. One time, I was so horny and I wanted to fuck so bad that I just shit my pants with excitement and the person I wanted to fuck ran off laughing... oh wait, no that's not what happened. I watching Deliverance and I laughed so hard at the ass-rape scene that I shit my pants, and I was by myself at the time. So to answer your question: what the fuck is wrong with you?

From RedSchlong: I was whacking the other night, and since I was out of crisco, I rubbed my dick completely raw, and now it hurts to wear pants, but I have to leave for work in a few minutes. What should I do?

Assclowns Answer: You should cry like a little baby, all because you're a dipshit and gave yourself hand job burn. Any idiot that is out of lube and whacks his willy without it deserves a chaffed penis. Keep whacking, RedSchlong, keep whacking. Maybe if you whack hard enough and rough enough, you can get blisters and sue your landlord. Blame the burns on the water in your shower being too hot. That would kick ass.

From I like you: i woke up this morning. and i discovered that i was really a female. i thought i was a male and bought male stuff and did male stuff. what should i do as a new female? i hear girls like to play dressup. if they do i want to dress up as you! you really changed my life. i used to cry when a bug bite me, now i scream "ass clowns saved my life!". PS will you go out with me???

Assclowns Answer: I don't even fucking understand what the hell you are on about, so I can't help you better yourself... but, you can better yourself. I want you to get up in the morning, brush your teeth, shower and eat a nice healthy breakfast. Dress to impress. After you've had this wonderful morning, walk down to the nearest bus stop. When the bus arrives, jump in front of it before it stops, that's how you can better yourself, and the world as well. I don't understand how I saved your life when a mosquito attacked your for your hermaphrodite blood, or whatever, but I'm sure you deserved the West Nile Virus, or AIDS or whatever it gave you. No, I don't go for he-she's, transsexuals, hermaphrodites or whatever the fuck is wrong with you. Be sure to take me up on that advice about the bus, though.

From Candy: I been having feelings for my roomate. She is a girl, like me. Lately when she takes her clothes off, all i do is stare at her big chest. She is bisexual herself, and has offered if im ever bicurious to come to her. Im really thinking of doing it, but should I? i need a guy advice on it.

Assclowns Answer: I really hope that you aren't serious, Candy. Because if you are, you came to the wrong place, my friend. Here at Assclowns, we are not here to make your life any better, we are only here to make it worse or to advice you to do something that's results are almost certain to wound you terminally. Plus, if you want a guy's advice, you'd just be told to go for it, film it and let them watch while it happened and send it to "Girls Gone Wild." So, Candy, I hope you came here to get made fun of, because that is what is going to happen: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you some lesbian or something? Look, you freak, what you and your user friendly roommate do to each other with your nasty lesbionic desires is not something I want to here about, so go be freakish else where, dykie, before I kick your ass and your girlfriend's ass too, freak.

From Prunis: I used the prune mist over the lake lipstick but it made me look like i busted my mouth open. and now the guy i was after ran away. what should i do?

Assclowns Answer: Prunis, are you back for seconds? I thought I dealt with you before. It's probably better for you to stop taking it up the ass from Melvin. It's bad enough you take it in the ass from him, but it's not even his cock, it's his cane. Look, quit selling yourself on the street for dimes and crack. Get a real job, you dirty old hag, before you get rectal cancer and a lot of worse shit happens, alright? Christ on crutches, lady.

I don't even have a witty foot note today.