From Cletus: I know this girl that looks like a turtle. She's very annoying and she alwyas bothers a friend of mine. I really hate her. I would like to know how I could piss her off next year at school and embaras her with out getting suspended.

Assclowns Answer: Why does this sound like you are talking about someone I know? Oh well. I hope you have some classes with this girl, Cletus. Hopefully you'll have a stupid ass teacher that doesn't pay attention to life because she is too busy shooting up in the back of the room. She won't pay any attention. Throw shit at this bitch's shell. Go up to her at lunch and fart on her entree. That'll piss her off. After all, when she comes after you, just kick her over and laugh as she tries to flip back over. Turtles never prosper.

From useafork: I was at a baby shower and walked in on some nasty ass old lady fingerbanging my pregnant friends little sister...how do I cleanse my brain assclown?

Assclowns Answer: Fuck the brain clensing, get that little girl some help! I'd be pretty traumatized if a nasty ass old lady fingerbanged me when I was a little girl, that's disgusting. Take that nasty ass old lady to the police and book that freak. As for you, seek therapy, and a foot up your ass. It's "Assclowns," numb nuts.

From Queen Chitra: In my spare time, I go to local clubs and sing R.E.M. songs as old West Indian spirituals. Although, now I think I've run the well dry on the band. What do you think my next move should be, o Great Assclown?

Assclowns Answer: Okay, "yoga doing, belly dancing, converted Bhuddist from the city but thinks she's Indian and what not" bitch, REM sucks. Anyone who says any different from that is wrong. I hope you realize that. Don't sing that hippie shit, sing songs about raping cows and killing children, that's cool. Don't be a hippie. And if you decide to stay a hippie, don't come back here. And the only reason I'm not going off on your ass for saying "Assclown" is because you said "Great," so I can forgive that next bit. Now stop being a hippie and get a real taste in music.

From Carl: Hello assclowns. I am watching a television program and some man was saudomized with a bananna. Is this an act of crime?

Assclowns Answer: Thank you, Carl, for asking a question to "assclowns." Capitalization would have been a plus, but hey, I'll let it slide this time because your question intrigues me. I think that any unwanted saudomy is considered a crime. And I think that any unwanted penetration of ones oraphases is considered sodomy, so I suppose you meant that the guy got the banana shoved up his ass... that's awesome! What the hell were you watching?

From Widow 767: Hello assclown, I have this racist prick for a teacher. He says stupid shit like "Black people aren't able to comprehend many things because their mind's aren't as adequate as ours" I want to fucking bash this guy's face into a wall. I really want to stick a plunger up this guys ass but I'm not sure loosing my scholarship is worth it? Assclown, do you know what I should do?

Assclowns Answer: Well, I won't give you hell for calling me "assclown," like I've been giving everyone else, because you do seem to have a bit of intelligence in your question, and I'm proud of readers like you. Anyway, you do seem to have a bastard for a teacher who very much deserves a plunger up his ass, however, these means of action are almost sure to cause you to lose your scholarship, as well as put assault and sodomy charges on your criminal record. Neither are things you'd want people to hear about. Anyway, I'd advise you to pay the retarded kid in the back of the room to do it, you know, Earl? Give him about three dollars and provide him with the plunger, that mongoloid will never know where to find one. He won't get punished or anything, because he's retarded. He'll get away with it, no harm no foul, and no one will know you had anything to do with it.

Oh well. I'm Spent.